Resentments
If one idiom of acceptance bubbles to the surface more often than others, it is that ‘more will always be revealed in Divine timing.’
Sometimes I don’t realize when I’m still holding onto a resentment. I don’t realize that even after all the work I’ve done – the digging, surrender and vulnerability, there are still those corners of my past, those wounds, that I’ve perhaps subconsciously flitted past or kept buried.
These resentments are such subtle foes, that I am often left baffled by the seemingly insatiable yearning in my soul when I seek connection. While I am 35 years clean and sober and have much practice living the 12 steps introduced to me in recovery, I am in no way an expert. If one idiom of acceptance bubbles to the surface more often than others, it is that ‘more will always be revealed in Divine timing.’ And so, it is….
Dad and I in New Port Richey, 2024
I am here in New Port Richey, Florida to help my 92-year-old Dad prepare to sell his home. In addition to moving back to Pennsylvania to live closer to my sister, he will also be signing Power of Attorney over to me. This is a big step for him, and I feel for him deeply. Today, I can put myself in his shoes and feel some compassion for his mushrooming grief as he relinquishes more independence.
Dad returning the park pass after our annual summer camping trip to Assateague Island.
Even still, I feel my soul seems to catch on something, a hitch in the door-hinge of my heart. An old resentment of mine begins to take shape, and while I am grateful that it doesn’t own me like in the past, there is no mistaking its presence. The resentment is this:
For years my dad did not verbalize that he was proud of me or even express appreciation for the help I’d provided to him and our family when my mom was no longer in the picture. I’d yearned and waited for him to see me and lovingly acknowledge me.
The resentment itself is certainly not new. When I got sober at 29 years old, I began to learn the resentments I harbored, including this one. I also learned- it was killing me.
I began doing the work required to give myself the proud acknowledgements and appreciations I thought for years needed to come from my dad. I also learned how to pray for him to be blessed with the health, healing, and happiness I wished for myself.
At my wedding in 1994.
And then it happened…
I was 43yrs old. My dad had come to help me with a big Nutcracker performance I was directing for the Harford Ballet Company at the time. I had asked for his mechanical engineering assistance with the growing Christmas tree featured in the ballet. He constructed a tree that would grow from 6-feet to a magnificent 24-feet, and he showed up the weekend of performances to insure it all functioned the way it was designed. He stayed and helped pack-up all the sets, props, costumes, lighting. And then we went to dinner together at a little diner.
Dad at Christmas when I was a kid
It was during this shared meal that he spoke the words:
“I am so proud of you, and I never thought you would be able to make a living and succeed at this. All those years the neighbors would watch the little shows you put on in peoples’ garages, and they would say to me ‘she is going to do something with that one day…’ And it’s amazing to me how you did that…”
The tears welled up in my eyes, I thanked him, and I knew in that instant all was forgiven. I have since been able to have other tender moments with my dad and can meet him where he is when I am loving and proud of myself first and foremost.
Make it stand out