A flock of geese just flew over my office, their brassy fanfare a humorous nod to the profound realization that had me stepping out of my head and into my heart. As geese form lifelong bonds, this is the teaching of dedication and unity - embrace commitment in relationships.

**I love when the natural world speaks to me! Pure Pleasure!**

And so, I am being called by Divine (the Geese) to write my experience from this morning.

The one relationship commitment that I’ve never fully embraced is the one with my partner, my husband, Steve. This morning, I reflected on our many years together, during which I’ve never allowed him to witness me in moments of absolute vulnerability; the instances when I am so unsure of how to express my wants and needs – including when I want and need to say “no” to him.

During this reflection, I paid homage to the monumental amount of work we’ve BOTH done to cultivate the emotional, physical and spiritual safety necessary to be fully present in these moments.

To give some context:

An important ingredient in our ongoing work to heal and enhance our relationship, has been a morning connection practice – something that has been incredibly challenging in nature as well as logistically due to our family demands. This practice has been disintegrating over the past 4 months due schedule tweaks among other things.

"Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives."

~ Brene Brown

But this week was the first in a while, Steve and I have had all 5 mornings in a row open to engage in this connection time. In all honesty I felt shaky and uncertain with the sudden increased level of vulnerability… and intimacy. In fact, I would like to rename our connection time… Naked Truth Time!

It is truly an experience to lay naked with your partner and allow whatever shows up from your body and heart to be expressed. Especially when it revolves around sexuality, and in my case sexual wounding.

I have continued to work and play with this wound when it bubbles up to the surface of my life and last week in healing immersion experience with my mentor, I observed that when in a state of vulnerability, my belly gets a knotty tension.

This sensation carried a message: “I am starving.”

I observed that when in a state of vulnerability, my belly gets a knotty tension.

There are more details around this “starving” and that is another story. I had been using this signal from my belly to inform me when I am starving myself of physical touch and it had been working for me during these Naked Truth Times.

Then this morning happened.

I found myself fighting internally. I did not know what I wanted or needed. Also, when Steve initially asked for what he wanted, I needed to say “No, I cannot do that yet,” which was hard because I have an automatic default button that says I am not supposed to say “No.”

This difficulty saying “no,” goes way back to a deep wounding from my mother who would say, “I am getting you ready for a man.” The roots of this wound and those tied to other societal influences, have informed much of my relationship with self and with others.

Heightening my awareness of when I’m reacting to a past wound has given me the opportunity to courageously make a different choice.

Time traveling in my immersion work to meet these painful experiences with an open heart, has heightened my awareness of when I’m reacting to a past wound, thus giving me the opportunity to courageously make a different choice.

After expressing “No,” to Steve, I took time to tune into my body with curiosity. And there it was -- the tension in my belly. Curiously, the previous mornings I had not struggled to discern and voice my wants. I’d felt safe and in control.

I’d previously explained my ‘belly talking’ to Steve, who’d actively listened with respect, and so he was able to understand my reservation around receiving his touch. Alternatively, I expressed my desire to give him the touch he’d requested to see what would happen.

The tension in my body began to dissolve ever so slightly.

Two more times, Steve expressed desires, after which we’d share a pause. During the pauses the knots in my belly would tighten, only unraveling after I’d decided to accept or deny his requests.

Here is where I became completely vulnerable.

Amidst tears I said to Steve, “I don’t know what’s going on? I feel like I am lost.” I was cloaked in the emotional turmoil of frustration, overwhelm, and anger.

He was exquisite, holding a safe space for me to freely express. Then he spoke the words:

“I am no expert. Yet, I do have an observation around what I feel and my perspective. It’s based on watching you walk through this healing journey and hearing you share. Would you like me to share?”

In that moment I was truly grateful for his offering and today I can receive it. Whereas in years past -- never.

He spoke about his observation….

“It feels like for you to feel safe, you must be in control. It appears that you are doing that by asking for what you want touch wise. Also, you are in control because you have the option to say ‘No’ or ‘Yes’ when I ask for what I want. It seems like this is the path currently and I am here to support you.”

When he was finished speaking, my mind reverberated with “BINGO!” and “WOW!” The unmistakable warmth that comes with joy, bloomed across my chest. My partner understood me…I was seen, I was heard, and I was treated with a gentle reverence I was soooooooo WANTING.

We have walked through a lot to get to this Naked Truth!

Our time was just about up, and I then knew what I wanted: for him to kiss me one time with the most sublime quality, hold me standing together naked, and follow me as I let my body move gently to the music that was playing, and then leave me with an energetic longing for more.

Crystalized Realization: The Belly Talks

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